Dude... You bled on his hand... At this point it doesn't matter that you called him your exes name, seriously.
I need a hobby that doesnt involve alcohol and my tv
Well today was Thanksgiving Anti-Miracle Daydrinkathon so I had to be drunk by 2pm
She got stuck in the front door. She never told me how or why.
its sad im about to start saving up for how drunk i need to be for the holidays
It was dark, she woke me up, gave me a blowjob and then whispered in my ear: do you know who I am?
I don't know if this whole sobriety thing is going to work out... It's only been 3 days and I want to chug vodka
Honest to god.. She looks better fat. I never would have imagined those words coming out of my mouth, EVER.
He talked to you for like two seconds while you were shit faced doing Forest Gump impressions...how is that possible?
I just dropped $300 on lingerie. He better rip this off with his teeth.
I had to rub one out before the Shabbat dinner in case I find a nice Jewish girl to fuck me in the bathroom.
Your mother would be so proud
dude wtf why are there forks in my wall
does "I AM MAGNETOOOO" ring any bells, because that was you for an entire hour last night
I'm still amazed at how you managed to get Doritos in my damn front pocket without me noticing. I got crumbs everywhere.
The guy at the liqiour store just said "Wow haven't seen you in awhile, is everything okay?"
Rule number 1 of dorm living: do not forget your butt plug in the bathroom.
Randomize