When you told me you were coming to my show, I didn't know you were bringing Satan and Brokeback Mountain with you.
I just had sex with a black guy. He told me I had a big dick. I think that's God's way of saying it's okay to be gay.
I'm about to cry with happyness at the beer that will be consumed
we were on a sandy mattress. i was wearing a sweatshirt with a poodle on it and eating a whopper jr. i wouldn't have fucked me either.
I feel like hell. The amount of black beans I found in my hair tells me I hit rock bottom
I went to the gas station and the lady goes I remember you. Broken sunglasses and puke on your car.
It was so weird. I had like an out of body experience. I heard the moaning, but I didn't know it was me.
I hope to God 2011 is the year I stop loving tequila.
I swear the pregnant cashier was jealous when I bought my plan B
I concluded last night that you have no tear ducts, heart, or sense of any feeling.
I've just stalked all the hot guys who have clicked "attending". I now know which guys are "yes", "maybe" and "no". I only hope my drunk self remembers.
After sex he cried I didn't know what to do so I patted him on the back and went to the kitchen to make waffles
On the upside, no one went to the hospital! Lex's friend was definitely on fire at one point last night though because he tried to juggle tiki torches. He was shirtless this morning and smelled like a BBQ.
Well, I woke up on a roll-away, with a knot in the back of my head and penis confetti stuck to me. Also, I apparently literally gave the shirt off my back right before I passed out, so I was topless. Vegas won this trip.
last night I learned that if you try to buy tacos in this town, that you will be stopped by three cop cars with breathalizers
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