Came home and the girl was sitting on the steps "talking" on her ipod touch AND was halfway done eating a raw cucumber.
we sang "a whole new world" together. either he's my gay best friend or the love of my life.
for future reference: anal bleach BEFORE boozing
you'll never guess what i found when i got home...
a cake, in the toilet
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I don't know. I woke up in the back of a cab in a drive thru line at whataburger with police lights flashing and my friend yelling" you didn't have to sell us out phil!" to the cab driver.
Is it appropriate to put "Mommy and Daddys shitfaced-ness that led to Aubrey" on a birth announcement?
Well you two just had a kid in the middle of college, I dont think anyone will notice.
Thanks bro
it's a drink the shower water kind of morning ...
The ONE weekend I don't put anything up my nose, and it decides to bleed like crazy
You want to get day drunk this afternoon and watch these guys build a house across the street?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Negotiating with my body. We're ok. Violent upheaval is not necessary.
there are no losers in shot checkers. only winners.
The guy whose porn password I use finally renewed his membership. Lazy fucker had been slacking all summer.
So you're at your daughter's volleyball game looking at dicks online? That's amazing.
No, I was picking her up from volleyball and sitting in my car looking at dicks.
They offered me pot brownies in 7 minutes flat. Imagine my horror when I had to be like, are those gluten free?
HER BOYFRIEND CAME HOME WHILE WE WERE GETTING IT ON IN THE SHOWER
At least you smelled nice while he kicked your ass.
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