Being pregnant is so damn inconvenient for my sex life.
she then came into the room and yelled I'M GOING TO BE A COCK BLOCK for 5 minutes
I woke up to him climbing naked through my bedroom window with a bottle of jd in his hand. Of course I had sex with him.
I was high enough to think that mac-n-cheese w/ ketchup, tortilla chips w/ ketchup, and milk was a fancy dinner
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you kept insisting that i was jake gyllenhaal and you were heath ledger.
porn star boner night. come get it.
my mom was in labor with me for 32 hours, it's only fair to start drinking now.
The following message is brought to you by IMSOFUCKINGSORRY. Dude I'm really sorry I got you arrested last night. You are allowed to choose a repayment plan from the following options: Money, weed, or a single kick to the balls any time within the next calender months. Repayment outside of the aforementioned options can be negotiated and considered within reason.
Want to come over and play therapist and then fuck all the emotion away?
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One day her vagina is just going to shrivel up and seal itself with it's self preservation mechanism
They took my balls.
I can't name a single part of my body that isn't sore. Who says break up sex is bad sex?
He's like a father figure to me, except we have casual drunk sex every now and then
It started with drunk jenga and ended with me simultaneously peeing and puking on his feet in the tub while he held me up. I met Tequila. I don't like her.
All of a sudden he got that look on his face and ran to the dance floor and started fist pumping to Rihanna that kind of night
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