she took her clothes off and my dick went from =====> to =>
I'm not to broken up about it. Our relationship was worse than a coldplay song.
So he ended up having sex with me, but it was so awkward. When it was over, he went to the bathroom, and he came back and asked, "are you on your period or something? there's blood on my dick..." and i said, "well it was supposed to start today, nice surprise...i am so embarrassed." and he said ,"it's better than you queefing." and as soon as he said that, i queef the hardest and loudest i ever had.
Just gave my manager part of my viccodin stash-my job is basically secured forever.
I won't be able to make it. Too hung over. Can't hold down fluids. I'm in the bathtub trying to hydrate my body through osmosis. And yes, Tequila Tuesday is totally still on for tonight.
my mom just walked in on me in the shower doing the "ass hair shave" pose.
I knew it would get worse when I said I think your roommate is watching and he looked over at him and said ... So?
she just announce I'm david copper field and tried to shove a napkin down my throat
There was a pumpkin carving contest and we carved a very realistic dick about to penetrate a vagina. Our Christian Youth hosts were not happy.
just tried to scoop ice cream with a steak knife. now in the emergency room with a the cab diver and the drag queen he picked up on the way. its gonna be a loooong day.
He must have found my secret supply of blow and took a bump before we left the house. Rude.
He could of at least asked
Fuck you asshole. You cost me cheerleader pussy.
i refuse to sex anyone who doesn't get my lord of the rings references. no exceptions.
Lunch?
Massage?
Spanking with handcuffs?
last night someone said that theyd like to do drugs with a dolphin ... judging from the diagram on the wall we figured it out.
all we need now is a dolphin ... and some drugs.
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