I literally had to tap out of the blow job. It was like a pornographic wrestling match
Aaaaand that would be the most of my hand I've ever fit into a vagina before.
I was taking a bath and he burst in, sat down and started taking a shit. RIGHT BESIDE ME. My lack of privacy astounds me.
I think I just saw my 8th grade band teacher trying to pick up a hooker
I only remembered where urgent care was because it's across the street from my favorite bar
Found my wallet. It was under my dresser with a note that said "good job you found me". Drunk me is an ass.
I've decided I want to blow you wearing a santa hat.
Aren't rabbit ears more seasonally appropriate?
The perfect world is just rainbows and rocknroll and good sex. With the occasional stripper ridIng a horse. I spelled occasionally right?
Also, if someone could cut me off before im rolling around the yard pantsless with a 40 year old lesbian that would be awesome.
James is trying to butt-heads with a moose. I don't know whether I should stop him or just sit back and watch where this goes.
Its okay that he doesn't remember you, he only remembers girls by their boobs and I think you were wearing a jacket
I told him I had an IUD and he asked me how was a bomb a form of birth control..
Do u have any idea how hard it is to masturbate in a CVS bathroom when your name is being called over the speakers to pick up a prescription for painkillers?
HOW CAN YOU EXPECT ME TO KEEP YOUR SECRETS IF YOU KEEP ON TELLING ME THEM.
Did anyone see us fucking last night on the giant turtle outside downtown Disney?
Randomize
