i havee beer in my backseat and a glow in the dark condom in my cleaveage.
you're going for the gold here.
Just saw a homeless guy with a sign that said "Family abducted by aliens. Need money for ransom" and on the back of the sign it said "And it's only $.88"
i'm too stoned to be pregnant. the kicking is morse code for wanting beef jerky.
my night ended in me puking all over jenna's bed, then me trying to wash the sheets in the toilet.
literally. a puddle of blood. on the floor. still searching for the source
My present? It was a fake boarding pass he made in Photoshop. He litterally just gave me a one way ticket to Pound Town
I should start riding the bus again so I can drink all day
Well no need to be a stranger, even if you aren't interested in joining my bisexual polygamist marriage. New city, new friends.
Sorry, they don't make maternity Power Ranger suits...
So take that alcohol. I still win. I ALWAYS WIN. Plus i didn't have to wear clothes. DOUBLE WIN.
Finals week game: One shot for every psychological trauma I've been through that I have to explain in detail. Man I hate my major sometimes.
So I've reached a new low. After completing my walk of shame and being told "see you around", I took off my heels to discover he had came in my shoe.
No no this isn't that fun. I'm alone drinking wine and me and the dogs ran out of things to talk about around 9 am.
DID YOU OR DID YOU NOT, PEE IN MY FUCKING TRASHCAN?!
She never came back from the bathroom so I went to look for her... I was in my room and heard this rustling. And she was in my closet petting ties.
Randomize
