I woke up this morning next to some guy. I was horrified, he woke up and said, "the white tiger strikes again!"
you were convinced campus grass and foliage would give you your daily serving of vegetables to balance out the amount of alcohol you drank.
I smell like booze and the valet literally buckled me in, def top 3 walks of shame
OH MY GOD MY GRANDMA JUST SHOWED ME HER BOOB OH. MY. GOD.
It was honestly the most delicious alcohol I've ever drank, plus the added risk of going blind from methanol poisoning really enhanced the experience.
Tomorrow, if I don't look at least 5% better than I do on a regular day to day basis, I want you to hit me and tell me that no one will ever love me if I continue to look like I just rolled out of a cocaine induced hibernation. I'm asking you for tough love.
He was running late for work this morning, so I helped him out by finding a matching pair of black socks. And I hated it. So I'm currently drinking and reminding myself of the reasons I will never get married.
And he came all over himself. At least he didn't ruin my new lulus.
Actually though that could've been bad.
Not even official and he's cleaned my puke twice. His hotdog skills are an added bonus. I've got a keeper
I've never had sex that lasts this long though. It's ridiculous. I feel like I need a Gatorade and a sweatband and a sub.
I literally just woke up in a dog bed, in a bathtub in someone else's house...and I'm not wearing pants
I was having a serious heart-to-heart, and then the weed gummy kicked in.
Uhmmmm is there really any way to tactfully ask "you into me jerking you off with my feet... or nah" cause if you find one let me know 😂
I smell like heartbreak.
Tequila and sloppy rebound sex?
How did you know?
The Game of Thrones convention was just a drunk fuckfest.
Please tell me you banged Jon Snow.
Randomize
