All she gave me for breakfast was raw toast. How can she expect me to eat raw toast?
You mean bread?
he took off my shirt and said 'oh my god the legends are true'
thanks. im glad you find me better in your comparison between me and fat girl porn.
we made out at a charity event. really i was helping the fight against aids...
Ask him about a girl named Meg then give a disappointed and disapproving face.
my neighbors having band practice on sunday morning is a message from the universe that I should stop drinking
So now I'm lying here in bed taking notes from Teen Mom... I fucked up
So I'm getting really old. I feel asleep for a booty call that I initiated. The struggle is real.
Next year, please remind me not to be at a damn Super Bowl party with screaming children whose parents can't control them. I will sell the little suckers to the fucking circus passing through town.
You have to give it to him that he fucked me out of the dull weekdays.
I mean, don't most people have like a two week grace period where it's okay to ditch new friends?
I'M NOT EVEN STOPPING FOR WINE SO I CAN GET TO THAT DICK QUICKER.
he sent me a picture of him holding out his pinky so we could pinky promise. i have to fuck him now
Considering I drank for you last night, do you mind picking up your half of the hangover
We were playing fuck marry kill and he was eavesdropping so I said I would fuck him
It was like catching dick in a barrel
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