how about we just leave your boyfriend out of this
M and I are hungry and we are making your pizza in the fridge. But you're having sex and we're not so we dont feel bad.
when I forget a girls name in bed I ask her her middle name then tell her i'm gonna call her that from now on
Any day that starts with a call from my ex-bf... crying... is a good day.
They don't exactly give out small business loans to start-up dealers
Dwarf fight at five guys. Today was a good day.
I have too much pride to pick his chest hair out of my mouth again
OH MY GOD I CAN'T WAIT TO BONE YOUR EX BOYFRIEND. HOW AWKWARD IS THIS?
Sometimes things go your way and sometimes you get hit on by a fat drunk girl.
My chin is breaking out a bit and feels all itchy and burny like I'm allergic to something. Are you using a new lotion on your balls?
found a better reason to procrastinate than the usual sunday-don't-give-no-fucks. literally every one of my textbooks is soaked in captain. can't turn a page without gagging.
I have got to stop letting people hang ornaments from my nipple ring.
Tis the season.
I didn't know. I guess I really haven't had that much time for drinking lately. I mean, outside drinking at home/work.
He's talking about feelings now. I don't even know if he came???
they are cutting me off...little do they know I am making a 75 yr old man i named Herbert buy me drinks now...no shame at 11 am...
Randomize
