I went to blockbuster, where I always go when I need to soul searching
Despondent, hopeless, I decide on vantage point, because I vaguely resemble matthew fox (let me believe this, please)
It was cheaper to buy then rent, so now I'm stuck w/ a wretched hangover and I own this shit movie
i'm 85% sure that if you don't visit me i will do something awkward and potentially dangerous to you in your sleep involving chocolate milk and a sham-wow.
he just watched a baby story on tlc while high and just called me screaming he never wants me to get pregnant
then he said we can't have sex anymore because ill hate him.
You named all of the cocktail shrimps and then tackled a guy for "eating Henry"
dude, never let a drunk girl playbite your dick. the doctor came in laughed and left.
judging by my wet hair I would guess I showered at the bartenders apt last night?
Oh my god. My pre-date bowl for nerves tuned into "I'm too high for this date" he kept talking about trucks and I couldn't stop making racial slurs.
am i so blindsided by his great personality that i'm hooking up with an ugly guy?
i thought you knew
I told him he could fuck me once he could grow a beard. Never expected seeing him ten years later with a goatee and a great memory...
Who knew there were so many rules and judgements about laying on a kitchen floor. I'm all like I'm resting. It just happens to be on a kitchen floor.
Sorry was covered in semen when you texted me. Just walking back from the Harvard Club
All you needed to say was one of those sentences and the other would've been implied.
I was a bouncer for about 90 seconds until the real bouncers figured out that I was doing their job
They found you popping and locking it alone in the parking lot
Im so hungover I just threw up at the sight of a CARTOON CRABBY PATTY
I'm eating go-gurt and drinking beer alone in the dark. This is why you shouldn't marry young.
Randomize
