it was better than the time i puked and I forgot to open the lid of the toilet
it was like having sex with a tree stump
Based on how hungover I feel today, it makes more sense that the bouncer didn't let me in to that bar.
I woke up with $100 in my pocket and I was so excited until I found an atm receipt for a $500 withdrawal. Not as exciting.
Absolutely. Last time I signed up for a softball league I had sex with my high school economics teacher.
good it was pretty cute, also what would bong water do to a puppy?
Romney sounds like a middle school girl and that creepy ass smile makes me want to close my blinds
I owe a guy a shoe because I threw it over a fence. That is all.
Why do I even exist?
She needs to go. She is like the Yoko Ono of our group.
You were so high that you only FaceTimed me so that you could stare into your own eyes and not actually say anything
Also I feel I should tell you last night when I came home I fell into my laundry hamper and woke up in a pile of my clothes
Thank fucking Christ I was not wearing pants or eating chocolate cake last night.
I miss my teeeeeeeeth. They're in a bag in my hand.
I just watched an intern spill two trays of coffee inside a spinning door
Best exit from a building ever
Be quiet or buzz aldrin will come beat you up with science
Randomize
