Did I ever tell you that the first person i made out with cried?
he wasnt completely random
you're right. you met him once and didnt know his name. you still dont
i get things done.
i had a dream last night that you and i organized a foursome. swear to god
ps i'll be in miami in early july. this text has no relation to the last one
I'm hoping to finish this bottle of wine before I pass out, I don't want the remainder spilling on my white down comforter.
I'd like to introduce you to my friend, Moderation. Enjoy each other's company this weekend.
Your friend and I already don't get along
Those titties aren't worth a lifetime of listening to her talk about gluten free yams and japanese manga.
You should kill a bro for me and drag his carcass home so I can study him.
Well, that now makes it the 4th girlfriend in a row to cheat on me. I don't even care anymore...I'll date a prostitute and not even worry.
Give me a second. I'm doing my best but I'm drunk so for some reason fitting both my boobs in the pic is just incredibly difficult. They aren't THAT big. I'm just being retarded.
Ask me who hasn't showered since Sunday and just got cruised at the gas station on his way to work. I'm a terrible gay.
What kind of present accurately says to my male suitemate "I'm sorry that I accidentally flashed you my vagina while I was super drunk"?
Only ESPN could find the two ugly girls from a school in Florida
Don't do shots out of Tostitos scoops.
You could see the bone sticking out of his shin and he insisted he was "just gunna walk it off"
I'm legitimately the first person in the United States to successfully shave their balls with a Razer Blade of a sword and fully admitt it. I'm honestly smoother then a 10 year old.
Randomize
