Seriously, stop peeing all over the toilet seat. It looks like movie theatre butter.
So someone hacked my email and facebook and posted a boob pic I took a few years ago as my profile picture. I feel like an MTV commercial.
I like that most of our conversations somehow end in us having sex for the good of our country
Sorry I sent so many blank messages. My hands are slippery. Don't ask why.
get over here soon, theyre throwing bbeers at us from the roof. keyword : throwing
Dont tell her I prefer to have an aura of mystique surronding me and my penis.
I've got a permanent seat at the "Girls who eat their feelings" table this weekend.
Just to update you. I am dead. So your probably gonna have to find a new roommate
how many ponies have to be on my pajama pants to convince him im gay?
i think we need a new approach.
When have we listened to the rational side of either of us?!
I couldn't think of the word "bath" so instead I told him I was marinating in soapy water
I just want to drink cheap wine and throw my bra at an aging singer songwriter
Any sexual interaction is meaningless without pizza during half time.
Godammit I caught my hair on fire taking a bong rip
Hey, I found that piece of pizza you lost in my bed last night. Never again...
Randomize
