my boyfriend just said he'd go down on me if I gave him my password to facebook
Yea I just took my 1st pregnancy test. Turns out I am just fat. Also I haven't been with anyone in 3 months, which is clearly making me crazy.
Bisexual people are plain selfish.
you thought your tounge was "malfunctioning" because every time u spoke it wouldnt sit still.
i don't remember but I assumed it was bad when I woke up with directions from his house to mine already pulled up on my phone
I've woken up in some weird places in my lifetime, but never in a tent in my own garage.
We tried. It's impossible to cum while bouncing on a trampoline. It's like trying to sneeze while keeping your eyes open.
Yay for living on the edge. I'm trying this new thing where I stop mom-arming people and promote bad decisions. It's working quite well.
Seriously. What did you do to me. You have a monstercoooooock.
I can't believe I just typed monstercoooooock. Twice.
Germany has fetish clubs for everything. We are going to Germany. Germany is our friend.
I feel like a pizza delivery girl of vagina tho
Driving from bar to bar trying to recover all of the possessions I've drunkenly lost over the course of the past few nights. Actual nadir of my life and absolute height of shamblyness.
Props for using the word nadir
Hey sorry for calling you so much last night. I mixed your number with the pizza guys, and he was running late
Ok, maybe playing "whose family is most dysfunctional" wasn't the best drunk idea we've had. Todd''s been crying in the bathroom for an hour. We can't get him out...
I have blood and BBQ sauce all over my shirt. I blame you for the blood.
Randomize
