well you can't waste a boner
you tried to do a keg stand and ended up flipping over it and onto the table
I got fingered by sexual harassment panda last night, by a van, I can't remember if he took off his furry panda hands...
let's get her a shirt that says "i went to key west for spring break and all i got was this illegitimate child."
I want to be done crawling through windows but the sex is too good to stop...but I'm running out of excuses for where the bruises on my legs are coming from.
She was shaking her boobs and I was so high all I could think was "breast maracas"
Strange request but for my birthday you should get me one of those vibrators that you can plug into your iPod that go along with the music.
was it wrong to tell him he's welcome in my pants any time?
Of course it may just be the context. A dish of dog food would look lovely next to your breasts.
Just checked in with my friend who walked in on us. He thinks you two had a spiritual connection and he's bugging out
He was also rolling face on molly so his perception of divinity might be slightly off
I texted him in the morning wishing him a day as spectacular as his dick was.
So red wine goes with eggs, right? Because that's all I have in the house to cook and the drinking options are either wine or scotch
Wanna have a sleepover and take me to court in the morning?
It's almost sad. It's like the Harambe of vagina stories really.
I just woke up to my family in the living room watching our security camera tape of me last night talking to a stop sign in our backyard... How the fuck did I get that in the yard?
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