a lot of self evaluation comes after you have to clean up a trashcan of your own vomit and condoms
This is worse than the time I broke into Subway to steal bread.
i just walked downstairs to find my brother wearing a crossingguards vest and boxers. when i asked him where he got it he just looked at me, smiled, and kept feeding the dog yogurt
I shouldn't have to thank you for taking off your captain hat off before we had sex
I asked him if his doormat had a name, then proceeded to sit on it for the next 30 minutes while signing that magic carpet ride song from aladdin.
it's 10:36pm. Do you know where your penis should be?
Bloody Mary Monday just took a turn for the worst... Just had a heart to heart talk with the cat about it's obsession with chewing on cardboard.... Time for a nap.
He's acting like I should like him more than vodka and Taco Bell, but I just don't ser that happening.
He's moaning and crying and coughing up something audibly liquid. I can't live in this house any more.
shes wearing an ankle tracker so she should be easy to find
wait did i hook up with someone in mcdonalds last night?
I woke up at 6 and was laying at the top of my stairs.
look, my penis is an amusement park, and it's closed for maintenance. why can't you just accept that?
Just found a pair of vomit-soaked socks in my purse, three days after the party... Now I know why my wallet was wet.
Didn't know my clit could produce that many orgasms in one night. Fuck my husband; think I might have to become a lesbian.
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