He looks too sensitive, like he's going to write me a poem and cry after the first time we have sex.
I feel like my nuva ring should have a vibrating switch.
she passed on me to fuck the foreign guy. is there a manlier, slightly less gay way of saying "always the bridesmaid, never the bride"?
nope.
I'm one shot of soco 100 away from fucking a mailbox
I didn't mean to leave you there I just didn't know him well enough to throw up in his bathroom.
just threw up on dog. broke microwave with cheese and spoon. having a bath with my barbies singing final countdown.
before you ask yes i found the absinthe under your bed. ITS THE FINAL COUNTDOWWWWNNNNNN
Were you really trying to feed me potato chips while I was sitting on the toilet?
dude my grandma just called my dealer. How does this shit happen to me
I'm not sure what is worse, the fact that Hoffman doesn't sell vodka before 9am or that I was trying to buy vodka at 8:30am.
I'm 99% sure the Indians were high for thanksgiving and we should respect that by getting high too
I spent three hours in the ER last night to figure out that my friend just had to take a shit
Stop it. You know what r&b does to my body
After she got off the phone with her mom she sprinted down the block screaming "I'M SO GOOD AT BEING A HUMAN!!!!!!!!!!!!!"
We found you in the bathroom at 1AM throwing money into the toilet making wishes. That drunk.
.... Seriously?
I am downtown smoking a joint with Woody Harrelson...Because our car won't start. I will be there as soon as I can.
Randomize
