my grandmother thought she vaccuumed up a quarter so she made me open the bag, dump it out on her front lawn, and dig through it. no quarter.
I think horse shit smells the best of all shits.
any plan I had today of being a productive member of society, I am officially throwing out the window.
He told me he wanted to break up so he could get "closer to God."
Does God suck his dick?
i've been thru my totinos phase. then after reading the ingredients and nutritional info i almost puked in my mouth. its like having the bastard child of pizza hut and mcdonalds invade your kitchen and start stabbing your digestive system.
In your defense, I really thought capturing that alligator would have been a lot more awesome and a lot less tragic.
RIP Mr Bojangles.
Remember when we pinky swore we'd never feel hungover alone...
And on that day, Satan said; "Let there be the friend zone and let us get fucking high." while Jesus silently cried in the background.
I just moved 6 traffic cones blocking a row of traffic. I got applause.
When he saw my tits he said "wow you should be proud.
Give me a minute. I'm trying to buy moonshine from a railroad worker named "Cowboy."
My TA is here with a sombrero and an entire bottle of Svedka. Skip jury duty.
I'm tired of looking like my mother fucked Chewbacca.
I'm chasing my vodka with snickers.
Just had the biggest masturbatory crisis ever.
What does that mean?
Internet is down.
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