so, my congressman just called me to say he has office hours this week if i'm still interested in talking to him. i pray to god this is not related to Friday.
Do you think if Santa was real that he's have a big penis?
It's like my work doesn't even care about margarita mondays.
i came out of my blackout when my grandma called last night. it kinda sobered me up and i realized who i had been making out with. should i call and thank her for the defensive cockblock?
She was holding a turtle doing a beer bong out of a flower watering can.
I guess I'll put a green shirt on. Also, I just snorted some protein shake power. That doesn't have anything to do with St. Patrick's Day. I just wanted you to know in case i die.
I can coach you back to consumption. Think of it kinda like Rocky II.
Well at least the house will be decorated when u get evicted.
you stuck pieces of bread to your face with peanut butter and asked if it looked like you had a facial yeast infection.
ohhhh that's why they asked me to leave...
Since when do you jog?
Since hot shirtless guy that lives across the street jogs
WHY IS THERE A FUCKING DILDO IN PLACE OF MY GEAR SHIFTER IN MY CAR?
I'm not gonna swipe right, he has better hair than me. Just no.
Tell me why i'm looking through my medical records and the last thing it said about my labor was 'vagina was explored'!?
I doubt the gods of funday Sunday would exact such a high price... But it's good to know an afternoon with me is worth a left foot.
My friend Julia's mom just called her to say she got a puzzle in the mail made of cheese and when she put it together it spelled FUCK YOU and she doesn't know who it's from.
Randomize
