Hey theres a creepy ass guy stalking our house.i would look alive geting in 2nite.
remind me not to puke in the mesh trash can tonight
We Started drinking at 8am and left the bar around 11pm....I hate ALL green things
You need to take one for the team and go bang a random sample of mexicans. Cause my internets broke and I can't google mexican foreskin stats.
Just rescued a super cute pair of Gucci heels off the sorority lawn on my way to work. Things are worth two paychecks. Fuck trust fund kids.
Found my wallet. It was under my dresser with a note that said "good job you found me". Drunk me is an ass.
A pack of naked men just sprinted down the street screaming in German. It's 5 AM.
If you wake up tomorrow and start to wonder.... Yes you did just eat mild sauce from taco bell out of the package while informatively yelling about the loss of my virginity
I have migrated to the couch. Minimal movement is still happening, but I should be mobile enough to go to the liquor store by eight.......so that good.
Remember when you fed me goldfish while I was -inside- of someone?
That's what he gets for shittin at the strip club. Who does that??
He specifically said I couldn't post the picture of him passed out naked except for a strategically placed washcloth. Where's the fun in that?
YOU'RE MARRIED. TO OTHER PEOPLE.
I just used bulldog clips for nipple clamps. Also, a wooden spoon as a paddle. DYI Domination or Ghetto Bondage?
It's a beautiful day to be high as fuck
But did u die
I found an onion in my purse
Randomize
