I just watched a trucker jack off to a picture of Ellen DeGeneres at a truck stop in Nebraska.
I enjoy that i have a whole shelf of clothes that I've accumulated from random sex. You know the ones you get to make the morning after look less awkward like similar to an athletes trophy shelf
This is why I'm not putting my name in lights over your bed.
I woke up and she had washed, dried, folded my clothes, cooked me breakfast, and had started cleaning my room
haha, you sure you didnt fuck your mom?
When she can manipulate the direction of her leg hair, you know its time to leave
Based on how hungover I feel today, it makes more sense that the bouncer didn't let me in to that bar.
so apparently the car got towed with me passed out in the back seat.
All I can think about is getting a lawsuit and chocolate
I was throwing up in the shower. He was throwing up on me. It was a cute couple moment for us.
just texted my dealer that i could taste the blue but not the cheese. i said i could taste blue.
Drunk assassins creed leads to explaining to my father that "it was only a steak knife in the arm"
It's 4/20 and I spent the morning in the gym and am working later tonight. I don't even have any weed. Why am I adult-ing again?
If I ever write a memoir I'm thinking "Choosing to sit in a vat of shit" would fit
Is Facebook telling the truth about your nipples?!
Over Bumbled last night. I think I set my dog up on a date Sunday afternoon. I have to drive him, meet the other dog’s dad and secretly drink a bottle of champagne from a “water bottle”. This is not what I expected 30 to be like.
Randomize
