If I had a nickel for every time I've used a condom, I'd have... two nickels.
Doo rag and shades in the bar. You are missing your future husband.
You can't hide fat with big sunglasses.
You should just wear a sign that says "I like cheap Chinese food and anal"
I like taco bell too
When I meet a new girl, I'm terrified of mentioning something she hasn't already told me but that I have learned from some light internet stalking.
i need you to recap everything for me beyond "i think i'm gonna try vodka-pong"
he nicknamed his dick "too big to fail"
The bartender just told me he would have me face down in his pillow by the end of the night. I hate when you make me go to gay clubs.
We're trying to decide between cracker barrel an the ER
Well, we could've been at the bar taking a shot everytime my rash spread. But Noooooo. You had to go out with your non- girlfriend. Lame.
I try not to have friends with attractive fathers, it only brings my morals down.
I love the fact that my Mom has been present at 90% of my drug deals.
Let's stay in this weekend and play drinking games to the Winter Olympics.
As long as we can drink anytime we see a stray dog, mafia looking Russian or double toilet.
And then the night went full on bisexual.
Consider yourself lucky. If I ever run into my ex, all I'll be able to think is, "I let you pee on me and lead me around on a leash."
Randomize
