you kept telling everyone that you were the mayor of silverware town
Kinda wish I banged him. I need the exercise.
please don't text me until you can spell three letter words again.
She said, and I quote "how do you run with something that big between your legs".
I can't wait to hear about your drunken cab ride to planned parenthood at 2pm
So my dad just walked in on me with the same girl twice in 3 nights. I told him if he wants to see her tits to adleast admit it. All he did was smirk.
My Instagram consists mostly of drag queens and people who dress up as power rangers... I'm pretty sure I'm an unclassified category of gay
How was it playing wingman?
I feel like I was rockys coach watching him get the shit beaten out of him by Apollo creed
On second thought, is it weird that I scheduled a surgery that determines my fertility around lingerie football night? I might have fucked up priorities.
Absolutely not. I would have done the exact same thing.
one more hour of this work bullshit and I'm off to get high with your cat.
I'm currently deliberating if I'm going to be too drunk on New Years to handle wearing false eyelashes.
This text constitutes a formal request for sexual congress under the terms of our Relationship Agreement.
if it makes you feel any better you looked really comfortable while you were sleepin in the closet, atleast according to the pictures i woke up with on my phone
You'll be pleased to know I just had an elaborate day dream about your penis. you were there too.
It’s a good thing I’m the only one in the office today. My boy toy stopped by and now there is jiz all over my desk and couch
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