I know I'm really high but I swear I just saw him beating off to his fantasy football roster.
If I remember taking any of my finals after tomorrow night, it will not have been a successful night.
I gave her a mint afterward. It felt like giving turndown service at Hotel BJ.
picked up a girl by parallel parking. i love this town already.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You tried to call "time out" during the sobriety test.
Quite frankly, I consider the fact that I'm NOT pregnant one of my greatest achievements and I'd like to chronicle that ongoing success. I'm going to post pictures of me at "0 weeks" once a week.
She told me she's going to buy a projector so she can watch porn on her ceiling...I'm telling you man this chick is going places
Well obviously when I get drunk my intelligence level surpasses yours and that's why you can't understand me.
Just found out that guy A from the threesome I had is now dating guy B's younger sister
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You're the reason why I want to be a better drunk
A stripper just invited me to her daughter's birthday. Where did my life go wrong?
Well you busted in the house and yelled with pride about Uber giving you a ride over with your new bong.
With a butt like mine I'll never have to pay for Netflix again.
You don't know the true meaning of fear until your girlfriend's niece insists on sitting on your lap with 20 mg of Viagra coursing through your veins.
I just baptized you in budweriser and you were cool with it
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