Please tell me how I woke up out in the middle of nowhere wearing nothing but a hard hat and a man thong?
the semester isnt officially over until i take the batteries out of my calculator and put them back into my vibrator
Yes, you did come over last night. You also tried to give my dog a blowjob. You got rejected.
he burped in my vagina and tried to deny it...
Don't say that out loud. People might think I really like to pee on you.
Of course you don't like it. I am the one who likes it.
Oh and you pulled your pants down outside in front of like five people, held my hand, then peed.
Tried to steal a keytar from my hook up's house.
a 6'8" white kid in a Lin jersey just wandered out of my gay kid brother's room. when does spring break end, again?
I got written up at work for smelling like sex and vodka. Still not sure how they put that into professional terms.
The sigh of relief when u realize none of your drunk texts will result in permanent damage
Hey start looking around for a low rider Subaru. Well get a loan. It will be capital for our first music video.
ever had one of those days where you say fuck it and lick the inside of a bag of chips
I'm fucking a man old enough to be my father who is also dating my boss. What have you done with your life?
Sometimes I just want to kiss you without you pulling ur cock out and waving it at me
I accidentally mass texted his dick pic. Not only to my friends, but to my dad as well...
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