dude, that girl smelled worse than the great depression.
I seriously need 2 stop fake jacking off in peoples faces at work...the I.T. Guy just showed me the security surveillance tapes.
new years resolution: more sex, less car punching, more chipotle.
she said she didn't want to sleep with me again because I wasnt a generous lover. I ignored her slight moustache, didnt i? i think thats pretty damn generous
it's like, God thought about making her pretty then changed his mind at the last second
there was 12 of us, girls included, shirtless and wielding swords as we bet on rock paper scissors in the middle of the bar. It was like Cinco de Mayo version of the Deer Hunter
He told me he felt like he shoud say thank you and as a prize i could keep anything from his room that i wanted.
Should have told me the night we were talking about deal breakers that vomming outside your car was one of them. I would have taken a cab back
Both his mom and his sister were hitting on me when I stopped by today. He isn't a real friend anyway, right?
They conduct scientific research memoirs about what sort of shit happened last night after I ate those cookies.
Hide in the closet. if you hear me yell patato salad come out swinging.
Just got escorted to my 7:45 class by an old woman because I was too hungover to not realize I was four floors too high.
You know we have no secrets, right? I mean, you saw me shitting in a gift bag drunk and naked on Christmas eve.
Thanks for letting me cross "getting high at park with children" off my bucket list
You made me take you back to Mcdonalds so you could yell at the guy for not giving you enough ketchup packets
I vaguely recall french fries...
You then proceeded to call your mom and tell her you weren't coming home because you were "tripping balls"
Sweet...
Randomize
