life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
Dude its barely eleven am and there is already a firetruck and ambulance at the shamrock...happy st paddys day
I think the fact that my first kiss is now in a porno says a lot about why my life is the way it is
Just ran interference for her again. Sometimes i wonder how many times in my life i'll have to be a cock block at the clinic
Remember the girl passed out in front of my fireplace?
guy just got out of the car at the drive in and told his girlfriend "fuck you and your taco" and walked off
It looks like a tornado ripped through our living room and scattered clothes everywhere.
Count the bras. It was a category 3 whorenado ... I convinced the lesbians to come back to the apartment for a bottle of wine.
That kid who fell through your coffee table is here. In a toga.
Just had Jager bombs for breakfast with her roommate... I do not regret this newfound lesbianism.
He told me I was the only person he wanted to fuck in his rental mini van. Thats so romantic for a fuck buddy relationship.
On a separate note, I just found out some condoms aren't vegan. Problem.
Hahahaha I can't wait for you to ask "wait. are there any animal by products in that?"
Im gonna go for the gay guy. The ginger is freaking me out.
How did you end up breaking into that laundromat at 3am? I saw the snapchat but like..... How?
I gave him a hand job in the parking lot... now he thinks we're meant for each other...
Wrong Cuomo but I had a dream last night in which I was very sexually attracted to Chris
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