break up sex still means we will always be broken up.
Would it be inappropriate to do lines in front of the cable guy?
Just jerked off to Cameron Diaz in "My Sister's Keeper". New low.
Im trying to find an appropriate gift to your mom for getting both you and your sister on birth control within a week, any suggestions?
They got a 10 foot tall beach ball from the roof of a McDonalds. Get the fuck over here.
Apparently I still called the officer "sir" despite the fact I was at a .21 BAC. Southern girls are raised right
Saw a girl lying on her back next to a fire hydrant. Not sure if passed out drunk or sleeping under the stars
wait nvm its a dude
I think we need to dedicate ourselves to building your stamina back to uterus breaking level
My fridge is empty and all of my food is in the bathtub. Just.. Why?
I was really excited when I saw a billboard for neverbethirsty.org this morning. Then I realized it was for a church.
The drag queen you used to date and the girl you brought over last night are discussing your sex noises in my living room. I'm changing my locks.
Look I'm really hungover so let's try this again. In 5 mins you're gonna call me and tell me that you're on your way with xannies, iced coffee and a back rub
I am literally so hung over that I just opened up my emergency kit, got out a survival meal replacement bar and ate it.
you were on all fours in the front yard puking, but managed to hand the pizza delivery guy a beer and to have a nice day.
So technically I made out with my second cousin this weekend... But it's by marriage and I'm adopted, so it's ok.
Randomize
