I know, he also has a fancy car to make up for his tiny penis
I only knew it was midnight because i got happy new years texts while i puked outside
Just heard her singing at the school concert... I am honored my penis was touched by those pipes
If your dick isn't up when i get home you're catching tonight.
Only you would get a date out of getting hit by a car
It feels like one of my ribs evaporated.
I DON'T WANT TO DEMONSTRATE MY DICK TAKING ABILITIES WITH MY MOM THERE.
I have vodka soaked strawberries. My latest tarot card reading hinted at a lesbian/bisexual coming out. I doubt I survive the night.
so gross sitting on a warm chair at a restaurant..you just know a fat person was sitting there shoveling food into their face for hours.
Why is there no Netflix category for "I just wanna cry, but I don't have time for a whole romcom"?
I'm going to a one year olds birthday party to smoke weed. What has my life become.
I know I've become a responsible adult because this time, I'm not going to do the drugs I found on the ground
I was doing handstands in the jail cell and crying “IM A HIGH SCHOOL TEACHER AND IT’S CHRISTMAS EEEEEVE”
I quit doing blow for him. If that doesn’t say “I’m in love with you and want to marry you” idk what does
Apparently the girl he banged in the bathroom yelled at him for hitting on me all night. But whatever, he was holding her hand for most of it
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