about to try to wax my asshole... wish me luck
He just did blow off my nipples. He's not serious about his girlfriend.
He was on Keeping Up with the Kardashians it was like a deed from god to bang him
Emergency! LinkedIn connected me to a hotornot hookup from sophomore year... slutty phase sphere has officially invaded grown up professional sphere. My illusions of interweb sexual anonymity have been exploded.
I'm covered in sharpie and the girl next to me just said something smells like fried food. Hint: it's me. Why am I in class?
I'm eating a piece of cake like an apple. At least my thought process is healthy.
I said you have to fuck the german guy and take one for the team...it's a once in a lifetime opportunity you know.
I don't like getting sloppy drunk but I don't like getting just half drunk either, I'm way too responsible if my blood alcohol level is below 0.2
Please tell me I didn't help an old woman shave her vagina last night. Please.
That's the least of the fucked up shit you did last night dude.
Thanks for letting me rent out your vagina rec room. I don't expect the security deposit back.
My tuesday consisted of speaking to a federal agent for two hours and watching a roving band of gypsies jump over a fire until 2:30am
Come to my pity party. It's being hosted in my basement. The theme is ambiguously sexual cuddling and wine.
My ex is having a baby and I'm over here planning my dogs birthday celebration...
When is the party?
I think you'll appreciate my way of waking up today: Under my cubicle, boxed in by boxes of printer paper, and hung over. I don't even know how the fuck I got in here in the middle of the night. I went to my car and fell back asleep. I'm now 2 1/2 hours late.
I'm too picky for internet dating and by picky I mean psycho.
Randomize
