i finished masturbating and realized my blackberry had accidentaly called my grandmother in my pocket during it. awkward...
his status popped up and said 'probably going to jail.' it took everything i had not to press the like button
when she said she's going upstairs to put her "play clothes" on, I knew either she was a pervert or a kindergarten teacher. Either way, I wasn't going to leave. She's a pervert by the way.
In case you were wondering, transporting lube in a ziploc bag is just as bad of an idea as it sounds.
his eyes are fucked up, he bumped into the cabinet while standing in my office, and he's pounding chicken soup, and he must have chewed on 8 pieces of gum before he got here.
Apparently she was filling Miller Lite bottles with water because I refused to be seen drinking water in a bar
It was awesome explaining why I had a tiger with boxers in my bed, a little bit drunk, to a girl in a pre-sex moment
He recognized me by my ass from about 15 yards away. I must have a REALLY nice ass.
I gave him shit for taking my sloppy seconds and when I woke up my eyebrow was gone
Did I mention I hooked up with another country star? I think I need some sort of trophy for each time, yah know? Or like a sash and I win a badge or patch for each person. Like a slutty Girl Scout.
I'm just saying, I walked in on you blowing a burrito. I now understand how obsessed you are with Taco Bell. And how long it's been since you've got some.
Hooked up with a guy that looked like Dean Thomas. Mediocre at best, but I stopped myself from calling him Dean in bed. So I got that going for me.
I still think it's strange your mom saw me 93% naked with a Santa hat on and a raging boner. Tis the season right?
You grabbed my dick don't call me son
The girl at the liquor store remembered me as "the girl who pays in hundreds" so she didn't ID me
Randomize
