At a bar where three women in denim shorts are debating techniques and skillsets for wrangling goats. You stay classy Delaware.
He looked me in the chest and said "I think I was visited by the titty fairy last night"
I ate one of your animal crackers. just one. ok four. but no frosting. ok frosting.
He told him to "throw up in my mouth like I'm a baby bird."
If anyone from work finds out about us I will rip your dick off, sew it to your forehead and feed your balls to you like little grapes
every single time I see a picture of the two of them on facebook, I want to just call her and scream "your boyfriend said I give the best head on the east coast". But I've been told that would be inappropriate.
Worst part of blacking out... Waking up and having to do the teeth check
Just did a relay race involving shotgunning beers, cannonballs and riding a blowup whale. Never want to leave vacation.
A boy in some branch of the military kissed me I think I'm going through an American sniper phase
DELETE THAT VIDEO OF ME MAKING OUT WITH THAT RUG NOW
The lowest point of my life has been reached. I just drank half a jar of pasta sauce.
I will most likely miss you the least and fondly remember you as Mr. "I need a minute" but really need 24 hours and 4 extra inches.
I only spent $42 at the bar last night, it's some sort of miracle.
you do remember it was dollar beer night, right?
That answers my next five questions
Shit. My boss is having me meet and greet with the new doc upstairs. Do you think his doctor powers will detect that I'm still high?
He expects a blow job at the movies but won’t pay for popcorn? Does he know it’s not 2017 anymore
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