Once you see the odd facial expressions and noises a guy makes while he is furiously beating off on top of you, it kind of puts things into perspective.
we were so high we made up an elaborate backstory because we were paranoid about going into the wig shop w/o being serious wig shoppers
Just so everyone's clear, it was already on fire when I got there.
Just remembered I hit myself in the face with a bottle then did the nose test and decided I was still good. Don't think anyone noticed.
I feel like my lungs want to punch me in the vagina.
is that even a sentence?
we shared soup. that is literally the extent of my romantic life right now
Oh thank Jesus fuck for my shitty infertile womb. Crisis averted
I fucking hate you. Some slutty looking drunk chick backed her ass up across the bar and started grinding on you. You ignored her because you didn't want to share you drink
I care about my drink far more than her feelings
So I have to borrow my moms car tomorrow to go pick up my ID from the strip club so I can board my plane tomorrow
He passed out. I tried to set his chest hair on fire.
you were angry and didn't have anything else to throw so you threw a breakfast burrito...?
found one of my socks in the dishwsaher... xanax
It's not Christmas until you get a photo from an ex wearing a Santa hat and red boxers... And then you just respond with, "nope."
I can't find my keys and there's a hotdog in my purse.
well ya only live once...
that cant be your answer for every horrible thing you do
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