Charged a drink to your name last night. Thanks for the whiskey
his cum shot went directly into his bellybutton. felt like i was playin ski ball
LA Sucks. The only way i can get laid is if i tell people im at a law firm that represent film producers.
And when they figure it out, they act like IM shallow.
I googled what to do, and it said to squeeze the pressure out so people are taking turns sitting on my head. I can't believe I'm allowing this
The cardboard box in my backseat wasn't strong enough to keep your pee contained. Come clean my car.
4 to the list in one week. Slutsville isn't as fun as the brochure promised.
The staff doesn't like it when you try and take your wheelchair for a joy ride since I've been waiting for an hour and a half.
Goldenshlager is a hell of a drink. And these are the adventures ur missing out on w me. I gave someone a bath Emily. A BATH.
Awkward
Can't say I wouldn't let it happen again.
Bring a bathing suit and your good liver.
My good liver is still at the dry cleaners. Will my backup liver suffice?
Maybe
You ran through a field yelling "I'm frolicking! I'm frolicking!" Then fell on your face. How is your nose today, doll?
We're doing a team debriefing of Saturday night in group text right now. As 75% of the female presence at that party we saw some shit.
I came home with 30lbs of BBQ last night. I can't pick up women in a bar but I sure can pick up leftovers from a corporate party.
Do we have to do this party tonight? I'm worried my bed will miss me...
fuck school, let's just become the worst strippers ever
I'm literally about to create a tinder account. Just so someone drives me to get food.
Randomize
