where am i from again
My cha cha got a haircut
thank god. going down on you was like chewing on astroturf
They peed on our pledges last night... i dont know if i should put an lol at the end of that or not
and unfortunately for you, hallmark doesnt make a "sorry i was getting a blowie in the backseat of your car while you were driving, projectiled my jizz onto your hand, and caused you to crash" card
dude she looked like Newman from Seinfeld I'm done with this wingman shit
The moral of the story is do not hire me because everything will end up smelling like pickles and I will not sufficiently clean it up.
Haha. I got you. I always pay you back somehow. Do you accept all major forms of payment: cash, taco bell, and patriotic underwear?
Zombie crawl summary: 5 of 6 friends successfully laid. friend 6 too drunk to care and making out with a whale (not a costume)
This day took a left turn at "This is your going away party, I got a bunch of blow."
I made my uber driver take a pit stop between clubs so we could restock on Xanax. #priorities
The next time you scream bombs away when you are inside me will be the last time you are inside me
Do me a favor and scream dirty things at him in a polite sexy, come hither way
I'm armed with nothing but $4 lip gloss gum and my phone. Ready to take on the fucking world.
You better have a raging boner when I get to your house and it better be worth missing work in the morning.
I just washed down my antidepressant with some pineapple wine. I'm the picture of mental health this holiday season
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