he broke up with me so i peed in his bed
I would give my right arm to go back to college. Or maybe not. Would be kinda hard to pick up guys with one arm. Then again, knowin what I do now...I could take any freshman bithc with only one arm.
No, don't worry. We're not going to get THAT arrested.
Thanks for the ave Maria song you left on my phone that lasted for TEN minutes.
I full on slapped a girl with pizza. Like in the face with sauce splattered everywhere and grease with a hard slap to the face.
you kept thanking chef boyardee for having pull tab cans
she was drinking until 3, woke up at 7, shouted 'I'M STILL DRUNK" and went out for a jog in her thong
Remind me not to get naked underneath a tree I'm allergic to again.
Just got a nosebleed, my period and the runs all at the same time. I'm either dying, or this is the first sign of the apocalypse. You warning you in case it's the latter.
I told him I'd clean his cock if he ever sent my GF another text message. It was a horrific time for me to miss the l key on my iPhone.
Guy just came in wearing only shorts, on his hand was written - my name is ... Call ... And tell them where i am, thanx - in permanent marker, ordered his favorite dish, and left w/out touching it. It's snowing outside.
Time to eat Mexican food til I hate myself.
That's completely alright, I do it a lot.
Grindr hookup awareness: always make sure that you agree to blow one person and they aren't bringing a Friend/boyfriend. Shits weird when you're sober.
I couldn't figure out what was more important, finishing the shot or putting out the fire on my leg.
My ultimate hope is that people will hug me, smell me, and therefore think I'm classy.
Randomize
