A big part of growing up is learning how to tastefully stare at women
dude, mark had the least successful cab ride in history last night. took a cab to the bars, stopped at every atm in the city, none worked, then had to come back to the party to beg for 20 to pay the taxi that officially took him nowhere.
It was like a mary poppins bag, except a sexual mary poppins bag.
she said "can't you just pull out and cum on my face? I hate scooping jizz out of my vag".
I'm assuming you texted me by mistake. you're not jizzing in or on me again, thanks for playing, douchebag.
Currently in a meeting. i am playing the not throw up game. god i hope i dont lose.
She texted me and said she was fingering herself. Don't respond to this because she's the perfect girl. I'd love to smell her cell phone after that.
I assume you meant to text someone else on your contact list instead of your own mother...
It would only make sense that I'd cheat on him with his best friend on the ides of march...
Two people confessed their love to me last night. Drunk is a good color on me
I think my boss gives me work off weekends because he doesn't want me showing up hungover anymore..
I just heard myself say the sentence "I'm gonna go to the bank then take a nap". 8 year old me just slapped my present self through the space-time continuum for being an old fuck.
No no no he wouldn't talk to me before I showed his best friend how good I am at twerking
My Midnight Kiss was a Big Mac.. Happy New Year
Idk why more people don't drink at work ... i mean, yeah, the cash might be off tonight, but my customer service is fucking phenomenal right now
By the end of our first date my penis was pierced.
everytime he speaks i want to fuck him less. i just wanna tell him to shut up and take his pants off and we could both be happy.
Randomize
