why did i make a hit list last night containing only McDonalds?
you tried to order a magarita mcflurry and when they said they didnt make those you tried to call 911
We have had massive layoffs this year, yet the guy who cant flush his shit seems to still have a job
I just saw a woman point to her daughter and scream at her husband THIS IS YOUR GENES, THIS IS YOU.
I've officially moved beyond college drinking. I just got business drunk at an internship seminar.
I just remember thinking that if i ran really fast through the house, no one would notice i was naked.
do you remember the combo for the lock to my pants?
We should live in a duplex and just hook up with randoms for the rest of forever and be animal hoarders.
Of the three people getting wasted at this dance competition, im two of them
The name of the man in your bed is not Ryan. I can't remember what his name is but that is wrong
Well I finally got to say all the things I wanted to say. Including telling him he looks like a naked mole rat
I kept telling you not to give them blowjobs, but you kept screaming back, "it's okay, we're friends on facebook!"
Well, I was giving him a handy and I sighed in boredom. He heard. I had to fake moaning sounds after he asked if I sighed.
You ran up a $300 bar bill on his card and he didn't have you arrested, be grateful and move on.
I'm just happy stripping was the reason you fractured your hand
I have a lot of money, and no morals. shots on you when you get here.
Randomize
