Katie is reenacting me jizzing in her eye via emoticons...
Is it wierd that I kind of wish I could hang out with Melissa Joan Hart?
I can't try on my wedding dress because someone is trying to commit suicide in the store. Is this a sign?
Its that time of year where we just drink more instead of dressing warmer
She came over and gave me a handy and then just lingered for a day and a half. Worst weekend ever.
I don't know what I should tell you tell you. I don't want to encourage you to dye my dog.
Im about to smoke a huge bowl. My penis is so happy. Who needs girls.
There is no such thing as a great breathalizer story. That isn't a thing that exists.
only i would grind with someone to harp music at a gay wedding
I'm eating cake, naked, in bed. I am GREAT at being single.
He realized that I was watching deadliest catch while we were jerkin off on FaceTime.
You turn 21 at midnight!
This is better than being born!!
I ended up sleeping on a park bench. Never using Tinder again.
Sorry about the confusion with the nudes last night that was rude
FACT: You were laying down on top the bar letting randoms do bodyshots off you until someone told theyre friend "its time to roll, i wanna hit another bar" and you literally rolled your self right off the bar. have fun explaining your bruises tomorrow
Randomize
