I think I left something in your back seat.... It was my integrity
Life Lesson Number 76: Masturbating into a sock is useless if there is a hole in it.
good. and stop kissing my girl you dirty slut.
i don't think she's still your girl..plus, she kept screaming "kiss me! i'm a lesbian!" last night so i think you're outta luck..
my mom just wingman'd for me at a bar. i really don't know what else to say.
He stripped down to boxers and then started flinging jello shots with a spoon into people's mouths like a catapult.
you kept introducing yourself to guys as "never going to happen"
Fucking finally I'm about to die from sobriety over here
No, he went to go get condoms. The least I could do was chug two beers before he got back
From the same High Brittany who brought you such thoughts as, "Fuck, am I wearing shoes?" Comes High Brittany on a date! Stay tuned. This will be interesting.
Food poisoning on first date... Still rode the mechanical bull like a champ
That moment when your whole family facetimed you just moments before you threw up all over the entire living room
New low reached: a cockroach has actually drowned itself in our dirty dishes. We are heathens. Cleaning dance party tonight. No excuses.
WEED IS MY SPIRIT ANIMAL
That one probably shouldn't have been in caps
bullshit you weren't drunk, you pointed at me and said my cigarette was empty
YOU ARE THE ONLY PERSON I KNOW THAT STEALTH CLEANS PEOPLE TOILETS
Randomize
