ugh. my soul tastes like vodka
he kept refering to his penis as the "eternal sunshine"
She asked if my windows were tinted enough for road head.
She told me that as long as she kept starring at the freckle on her arm she wouldnt throw up
They turned the water off again. Brushed my teeth with whats left from those pitchers of mojitos. So hung over i dont even care.
The background of my phone is you taped to the wall wearing a cowboy hat
Just ate a whole pizza by myself. Wearing my indian headdress again. its really cool with the french braids. I look like fucking pocahontas or some shit.
I remember desperately screaming that I love my life and running in zig zags all the way home
He told his ice cream cone it 'looked cute' and then started to cry. The Dairy Queen people were not pleased.
Here's the level of my committment: I'm not participating in the Olympic opening ceremonies drinking game. THIS IS SERIOUS.
Sexting Captain while emailing my eharmony match about my low key weekend is hard.
we're at the bar celebrating my ex bootycall getting his new gf pregnant... and me narrowly escaping a future as kitty foreman
Let's be real, he was never going to be tall enough
I’ll call you in a minute. Trying to book an AirBnB so I can finally bang the yummy guy from yoga
Your downward dog is going to rock his cock. I’m jealous
I just hit 3 trees and a golf cart.. all on the same hole
Put me down for a bogey
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