Who is John, and why is his named carved into our toilet?
you left a giant bottle of vodka in my room from last night. does this serve as a parting gift or hush money?
I only have two playlists on my iPod. One for when im getting drunk, one for when I'm getting high. Is this something to be worried about?
I bet you think you're really funny for switching my line of coke with a line of protein powder.
You "were" hungover, which is past tense. So that gives you no excuse not to go out tonight.
the beer staff turned into a beer spear way to quickly
Yes, but if I hadn't gotten here early, I never would have seen the butch lesbian midget waddling down stairs from the bar. Worth every minute of drinking alone.
I'be color coordinated the clothes in my closet and my underwear drawer. I'm like an advertisement for house arrest. Help.
It was going alright when lo and behold Tom the cock blocking tornado hits. He is the only man I know who doesn't want anyone to fuck girls.
You turn 21 at midnight!
This is better than being born!!
Im quite confident that my struggle with sobriety ended last night sometime after dinner
I think I just shit out all my problems.
you put your keys in the fridge so you wouldn't forget your yoohoo
You know how last week before we left I was drinking outta that blue cup and I left it sitting across the road. Well, it hadn't moved and my family just found it, brought it inside and cleaned it. I think this cup is my soulmate.
I went with vodka instead of tequila tonight so I make better decisions. Fool proof plan.
Randomize
