insurance, jail, and birth control were made for people like us.
Can you still call it a wet dream if sandwiches were involved?
she must've caught on when i went out for a "run" in jeans and a sweatshirt and came back holding a McDonalds bag and smelling like pot.
I just saw a van full of amish parents and their kids. Those cheating mother fuckers!
I like to think of them as justice herpes. She cheats on me and gets more than she bargained for.
I puked right in front of him after winning beer olympics and he still hooked up with me. My life is so easy.
I think he offered to cook me dinner or cook me for dinner. Not really sure. Just smiled and nodded.
I just got peed on. This karma circle is starting to get vicious.
my parents have to start far too many of our conversations with the sentence "this is an observation, not a judgment" than I'm proud of
He sat next to me, put his arm around me, yelled at his girlfriend that he was breaking up with her, and told me I'm his little pet for the night.
So I had sex in the woods today. Anything else that happened today? Irrelevant. It was a GOOD day.
I woke up this morning fully clothed with a dart in my pocket
Dear Douchebag, I would just like to formally issue this fuck you. You will be receiving a letter in the mail soon. With all of your stuff.
There’s an entire generation of people out there who didn’t grow up watching Mr. Rogers and it shows. These Boomers need to get their shit together.
CTFD. There’s plenty of dick in the sea! This is Vegas, we import dick. \nWorst case scenario we get a rental penis
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