There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.
Punch her baby.
Drunk. Just jacked off for the third time in an hour. I love not being Catholic anymore.
mom and dad googled us on the weekend. i love the internet less than i did on friday.
Why is there not a 'day after acid' genre. Or even a pandora station or something.
I was trying to make tacos and friends but there was a major language barrier.
I remember three things: you falling down an entire flight of stairs, me stripping out of your Christmas one-sie to do cartwheels in my underwear, and people standing above me saying, "where did that bump on her head come from?"
Also, I was told I kept the antlers on the entire time. I'm deeming last night a success.
It was a group decision to take your pants off. Took a solid 10 minutes. No more skinny jeans while drinking.
Just be aware that next year I will probably try to seduce you to avoid going to the gym
You carried me up the stairs after I told you not to. And what did you tell me? "Let me test my strengths."
possible new low: just washed a permanent marker penis off my cheek with porta-potty hand sanitizer.
also if this is gonna be a sample of how country jam will be, I might as well break up with him now. he spent the night blacked out and I could have been in a three-some.
Whip out the absinthe and the taquitos, this motherfucker just passed the bar.
ETSY JUST SENT ME AN EMAIL WITH THE SUBJECT "SUMER ROMANCE" I'M BEYOND FUCKING DONE
Let's play another riveting game of "Whose boxers are hanging on my fence?"
If it exists, I've probably pregamed it.
I've lost every trace of self esteem. Even sneaking a BJ in the coffee room has lost it's luster.
Randomize
