we got so high we spray painted his girlfriend's UGG boots. she's CRYING. it's hysterical.
i hope not, i just know that at one point I was sitting on the bathroom floor eating bugles and crying because i had no one to show that it looked like I had witch nails when i stuck them on the ends of all ofmy fingers.
OMG A WOMANS PROSTETIC ARM JUST FELL OFF AT BAGGAGE CLAIM
While I was banging her, her cell rang. She checked to see who it was, answered it, and moaned, "I'm dumping you."
He gets creativity points for the hot sauce. But it may be awhile until my nipples forgive him
I just want uncharted vagina. Fresh and ripe.
I figured out why I insisted on leaving my sweater on the ground outside. I smelled it and I'm 97% sure I peed on it last night
You texted me 'I am the leopard prince', with a series of pictures of you posing in what seemed like cat poses. you were not "a little bit" drunk dude..
I knew things were bad when I walked in on you feeding juice to your iPhone
That's just weird. That doesn't make sense sexually at all. I mean, you might as well tape a pen to the tip and try and write your name while you're at it.
He called some chick he used to fuck for cash to get food delivered to cheer me up
Does Jesus have blonde highlights? Pretty sure I saw him in a lavender shirt and Sperry's.
Let me rub your butt and eat French fries from your mouth and dip them in your ketchup filled belly button.
First poop in my apartment for the summer, officially settled in. :)
location: under the moon. please find me. need ride home.
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