It's true. Ladies love me because I'm so strong and they feel safe. Not because of my pseudo charm and their impaired judgement after several drinks...
I'm pretty sure "Like A Prayer" will forever remind me of drunk nights & pants down around the ankles
I made a google map for "places I got blow jobs"
Getting day drunk before work is perfectly acceptable when its 99 cent margaritas.
So is it safe to say that my only objective from last night is to finish this entire jar of peanut butter?
You FaceTimed me at three in the morning while you were peeing. Your eyes were glazed over and you showed me your bellybutton.
I TOOK A FINGER IN THE BUTT YOU CAN OPEN THIS MESSAGE
I feel like I could get pregnant watching Zac Efron do yard work in this movie
Just got a blow job from a woman on a ski slope. She said ski'ing frightens her and giving head calms her down. Glad I could help ma'am!
I think I just shit out all my problems.
I threw my back out having sex last night. I don’t know whether to high five myself for a job well done or cry because I’m old.
Chick in the kitchen making breakfast.. Yours or mine?
I spent half my night explaining that i'm in an open relationship to the guys that I liked, and the other half of the night explaining that I have a boyfriend to the guys that I didn't like.
You know, I'm starting to enjoy brazilians. One day I'm going to make a therapist very very happy.
I wet willied a stranger last night didn’t I?
Randomize
