Your vagain smells worse when im sober.
sorry, worng number
trust me, there is no more disappointing feeling in the world than waking up at 4 in the morning with a random half naked chick in your bed and then realizing your roommates girlfriend just wandered into the wrong room.
well seeing as i got a call at 5 am from the hotel manager telling me my cousin was passed out on the lobby floor...not good
He was sitting at the table eating ice and said, "I'm pretty sure everyone in my family has nipples."
So not only did you shoot down my invitation and prob walked past my house but now ur excluding me from a wet t shirt contest which btw i totally would have won
Aside from the slim chance of pregnancy, I'm gonna call last night a raging success.
I want Samuel L. Jackson to stand beside me and narrate my morning shits.
im pretty sure the interns at this hospital have gotten hotter
i refuse to give everyone the satisfaction of seeing the results of my acting on my thoughts
Some small part of me hopes I'm on the probationary list because of seeing the Dean at that fetish party.
I just delete my bank app from my phone to have enough storage to download tindr. Is this my life now?
The cat is stealing cigarettes and my vagina cures blindness. How's your night?
I thought the dude was just really enjoying his piss but apparently he was jerkin off into the urinal.
Only in the emergency room do they shut the door when youre laughing too hard
I don't know what that means but it's making me want to fuck you.
Randomize
