the sex was like sticking it in a jar of mayonnaise
Sorry, I don't speak sober.
So she said she wears a diaper when she's on her period and I'm not going to lie, I kind of want to see the diaper.
In an unknown location. With a giant marshmallow stuck to my back. Hello breakfast.
Just spent 15 minutes trying to save the life of a fruit fly that dive-bombed my coffee. I figured it doesn't make sense to let two souls die in this place...
Got paid to make out with a girl. It takes skill to be this drunk and still make money
We ended up debating which Food Network host would do best in porn.
Dude. There are selfies on my phone of me, wide-eyed, sucking my pillow. We did NOT split that bag 50/50.
I was just shot with a dart gun by one of my coworkers while walking to the printer. Ironically I was printing my resignation letter...
you slapped the bag of goldfish out of her hands and screamed, "BITCH THIS AINT NO AQUARIUM". That's how fucked up
fuck that its my house. if i want to take 1 bite out of the chicken & leave the rest i fucking will. suck my dick
I literally wonder, frequently, "Will anyone ever fuck me until i go cross eyed for 2 hours again?''
Showed up to the airport to find my fuck buddy is on the same flight. Do you think he'd be intertested in the mile high club?
Do you remember me asking for jerk off videos from Tinder guy?
Nah I don't remember that being part of the criteria
He threatened my life and my car because I called you. Are you sure you never slept with him ?
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