when i told him i was pregnant with his baby he texted me 'congradulations'
i pity the fetus.
You stood next to him taking HUGE gasps of air in an attempt to second hand smoke his cig because you didn't have one...
We welcome drunken adversity.
With open legs.
I figured out plans for New Year's and by figuring out I mean I've got a sugar bowl of cocaine. Start at 10?
I think not having bongs in close range is good for my academia
When you mimic motorboating Jennifer Love Hewitt, is it really that hard to understand why no one thinks you're straight?
Why were my jeans in the freezer of the mini fridge, and how long have they been in there? On another note, I found my teacher's ID badge.
The whorange rubbed off. His white shirt was so gross at the end of the night I told him to frame it.
Happy you have kids and I don't day!
I need five more minutes of sobbing.. AND THEN I will get back to studying
Why do all the Father's Day cards talk about what a great dad they are? Why can't there be one that says something like "Thanks for sticking it to mom and making me possible, your sperm was appreciated."
Idk woke up on the suite in someone else's clothing and actually broke my ankle
Self care is breaking into nasa and launching yourself directly into the fucking void
I want you to remember that you started masturbating in front of a car full of people. That drunk.
I was sitting down, taking a piss with a boner, her cat walked into the bathroom and walked up to my legs, I sneezed and pissed all over her cat through between the toilet seat and bowl, it ran off screeching. She thought I peed on her cat on purpose. Kicked me out
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