3:12 am: but i thought i was coming over tonight, don't fall asleep i wore new underwear
Rule #1. Nothing comes between you and fantasy sports. Not even a hot chick willing to give you a blow job
I think the neighbors upstairs are trying for more kids. I want to run up there and yell "mazal tov!"
My epitaph should read "Margaritas: she never learned"
almost got into it with the cashier. bitch dont look at me like that just cuz im only buying wine and icing. ill fight.
You were riding my three year old's train yelling, 'I think I can, I think I can!!'
I thought I could.
Just streaked campus for a bottle of patron...maybe you're right...I might have a drinking problem...
bartering with my concussed boyfriend to eat food with blowjobs
My mouth is so dry that I'm about to put a straw in a jar of Vaseline and chug. This all addi diet definitely has its ups and downs.
party tonight. bring as many traffic cones as you can find. we need to section off the blackout drunks way better this time
I had a meltdown and you quoted Puddle of Mudd to me
Also at one point I told him to say my name and it took him like 5 seconds to remember.
drunk me always erases text conversations because she is a woman of mystery and does not like for me to know what's going on in her life
Someone made a Christmas song to the Flintstones theme and I'm suing for emotional distress.
My vagina likes him more than I do, but I’m going to follow her lead and see what happens
Randomize
