Margaritas ran out of lime juice. Substituted Jaeger. Jaegerita not good.
Yeah, the furnace guy just pulled out 4 empty and 1 full beer bottle from the vent. You are no longer allowed over.
If I don't have herpes this will be the single greatest day of my life
i proceeded to stick my hands in his pants while he continued to repeat i have a girlfriend
He's more than prepared to help us move. Dude brought sunscreen, cans of Coke, and Captain Morgan.
Shit stained towel. The very symbol of how much closer we are as friends. Fall 011... beautiful disaster
Scary. I thought trees were a lie and that someone ha permanently stenciled them into my life. No joke.
My father is flirting with a transexual server at hamburger mary's. We can never tell him.
No you don't understand. This tree is really alive. Like in Pocahontas.
I stole all of the toasting champagne and did an interpretive dance to "wind beneath my wings". I am literally everything you're not supposed to do at weddings.
But your showmanship is impeccable.
The other day, he sent me a snapchat of his dick in the forest. He captioned it "nature nudes."
i warned you not to do dabs 20 minutes before graduation. You never listen
Text me later if you aren't dead and wanna have a drink later
Also mom is not happy about me telling her how much i want the women sprinters on the Olympics to beat me up
i feel like a cleansing fire is the only way to purify the house
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