i just licked mashed potatoes off my blackberry. i'm not even ashamed to admit that to you.
Bath mats should not be used at mops. they don't work. consider this a drunk psa
Apparently I spent my 300 dollar tax return by ordering ramen on amazon last night. Please tell me this will somehow pay off in the long run.
Dorm room. In. Elevator. Fell in. Boom. Puke
I pulled my bra out of my dress and handed it to my mom..at cocktail hour during the wedding.
That awkward moment when the guy you hooked up on spring break invites you over for dinner to meet his parents and you say yes because the first rule of college is never turn down a free meal.
THE SHIT YOU GET YOURSELF INTO
We passed my parents while I was giving him road head...that awkward
Just come get me. Somewhere there's hobo that's going to want his dumpster back, and I kinda want to be gone when he discovers the vomit.
I'm tryin a pb and onion sandwich now
Please smoke with me until I agree that sounds like a good idea
Then I'll go home and you two can do whatever two same sex heterosexual soul mates do
He told me he loved me and then peed his own bed. So at least it was a memorable one night stand.
This really high kid past out in the corner of the room holding a box of cheez its in his arm. My idol.
You're always so late and I'm always so drunk.
I think I’ve reached sophomore-year-level of bad ideas
and you know that’s the highest possible level because it’s when I met you
just realized we fucked to the ultimate disney playlist last night. hakuna matata.
Randomize
