Nothings more american than taking a shit with a handgun next to you.
i just ordered an al pacino with double mocha at starbucks.. i'm waiting to see how long it takes the chick to realize what i said.
It's like God was speaking to me through a penis.
I found my underwear on the sidewalk 8 blocks from her house while on my walk of shame. I also found our beer bag and a full beer in the bush.
Its so fun. We're having a music war with the boat next to us. They have strippers.
can you please explain how one drink turns into 5 street signs with their poles lying around my room
I know it's early but when you wake up can you please validate my life and tell me I'm not just a drunk idiot.
Why is there ANOTHER stolen fire extinguisher in my room? You know that's a felony right...
Whenever I'm hungover I try to stay in public as much as possible, hoping to be a cautionary tale to children. It's a public service, really.
Is 1:30 too early for the bar?
Do you want my opinion or society's?
I want your company
the best part of christmas was when my mom opened the handcuffs that were supposed to be for jen. Surprisingly, not the most awkward situation of the day.
I have bruises all over my legs. Did I hit a car with my bike last night?
I'm getting paid over-time to sit on reddit and look at dicks and abs all day. I'm really happy right now.
THIS FUCKNUGGET
DOES HE EVEN REALIZE HOW MANY INCREDIBLE INSULTS I'VE WASTED ON HIM
I'VE INSULTED THE EVERLOVING SHIT OUT OF HIM AND HE CAN'T EVEN APPRECIATE IT
THE HO
Coffee's working. Just killed a fly with my bare hands.\nFuck with me.
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