So my grandma sent me a doily for my birthday - don't ask why, I don't know. Anyways I put my bong on it, I think it actually classed up the joint.
She turned over and said "You smell like my dad, i just can't do this"
I woke up naked, with 10 visible bite marks and a black eye. I'm just going to assume that it was a good night.
Just snuck alcohol into the hospital for my mom.
I just miserably failed my own drug test. At least I know what a positive will look like when I give them to the employees tomorrow.
i think i left a case of beer in your dryer
Glad we went casual last night, made my 1pm walk of shame through Walmart a little less obvious
The bouncer at this strip club is my new best friend. He is also very persuasive. He got me to strip onstage for a t shirt. It's a nice shirt.
There were two girls and a guy on a bed and now i can put porn director on my resume.
I want to buy her liposuction. And a spot on What Not To Wear. And a face transplant.
Dont really know what happened near the end, Pockets were filled with skittles though
you slapped the bag of goldfish out of her hands and screamed, "BITCH THIS AINT NO AQUARIUM". That's how fucked up
I need to wear something that says I would have sex with you but I'm not going to
I don't know if I'm dying or this is just a mild inconvenience
i was so blazed last night that i kept imagining a talking eagle sitting next to me encouraging me to smoke more... i listened to it.
Randomize
