I just woke up surrounded in unopened snacks
I just dry heaved the smell of jagerbombs....which proceeded to make me hurl for real.
My goal for the party is to get everyone in a diaper. Reasonable?
My co-worker just asked me if i colored my hair. Time to take a shower.
Just watched my manager erase "we've been 2 days wo an accident" and change it to "0" these ppl are too high.
its hard to take this fight seriously when one dude is an oompa loompa, and the other is a "g spot"
theres a turtle on the table. helping me eat my ramon noodles.
Do you remember trying to use a pencil, pen, and sunglasses as your second form of ID at the bar when they wouldn't let you in last night?
I just pulled a piece of cookie out of my bra in the middle of class. I'm forever alone.
Sat down on an escalator. That hungover.
He came so hard he burst a blood vessel in his eye. Do I have to take him to the ER? because I'm too tired for this shit.
i would really love it if at least once per weekend i did not wake up to you half naked passed out on the floor
People spilled so much that there was a thin film of beer on the floor. You took a running start, screamed, "SLIP AND SLIDE!" and slid face first through the drywall.
mcfuck me up
MCFUCK ME UP INSIDE
All I'm saying is there better be a bow on your dick for my birthday
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