My hand turned me down
yeah worst sex in my life. plus i think her little brother was in the room.
I'm pretty sure the only race ive ever won was to my mothers egg
Ended up passed out drunk in the neighbors lawn, still in costume. Neighbors thought I was a lawn decoration. Ten points for best Halloween ever.
shes in my pool wearing only floaties on her arms ill have to raincheck watching march madness with you guys sorry
He woke me up at 4am just to lick my nipple. Then he talked in his sleep for 20 minutes about the sex we just had. I think it's safe to say he's a weird one, but I dont care cuz he fucks like a champ.
Use motel 8. I'll give you my credit card #. i'll pay for it cuz i care about your vagina.
She apparently grabbed another girl and pulled her into the shower fully clothed. When the girl was like "you need to stop" she curled up into a ball and refused to leave.
Whoa, you know how to pick em.
Super stoned right now. And I stared at my exit, thought to myself "hey self. That is your exit" and I kept driving right past it.
This will always be remembered as the Christmas I had 15 Russians sing christmas carols to me at 130am alone in a gas station while I was stoned on pot brownies
Just got a snapchat from him that was a video of with the caption "my new apartment" in Brazil. I think we might not be seeing eachother anymore.
Things that don't wash off in the shower: black eyes and hickies.
Hey can you explain why there's a dissected coconut in my purse????
Ok here's the plan: birth control, KFC, handcuffs.
Just realized how behind i am. Will gradually increase drinking until i don't remember that i missed an entire year of class.
Randomize
