During sex she told me I could do anything I wanted to her. You remember that toy lightsaber we bought at Wal Mart?
He left an unopened 12 pack of beer by my bed. I guess that's his way of saying thanks for the sex..
he said i was the most charming throwing up drunk person hes ever taken care of. so of course i had sex with him.
he proposed by singing a showtune... he might as well have had a cock in his mouth at the time
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
i almost set my kitchen on fire last night. homecoming week is getting the best of me
Crashed the mayor's bday party, no list for some reason. Wore suits. Ludacris was there.
Man, I thought my dick was gonna fall off.
Dude, I didn't even think they made slap bracelets anymore. You okay?
DUDE, DID YOU KNOW YOU CAN JUST RENT AN ELEPHANT???
Oh God.
Yeah I said my new jacket was waterproof, not puke through your nose proof.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You kind of have a nervous, desperate thing going on that isn't exactly catnip for bitches
She dresses cool and she's mean. And she has fake boobs I feel like I can relate to her on so many levels.
Since I fall down so much at parties I've started doing this new thing where when I fall I just yell FLOOR PARTY and make people bring the party to me
Well get back to your date and give him the ceremonial 1am handy and text me when your done.
He overslept for our prescheduled morning sex. The fact that my vagina isn't enough to get him out of bed was the last straw.
New rule: if someone asks if you would like to snort a xanax the answer is no.
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