Todays lesson: Chew your food better when your drunk. I almost choked throwing up this morning.
They threw me out of the bar because I was arguing business ethics with the owner of th bar
Cure to hiccups..road head..high five
Just found a hundred dollar bill on the ground. Hope you're looking to drink tonight
Just saw a denim jacket with the phrase christian cowboy...ridin with the lord under a picture of a cowboy in a sunset. I'm def in mississippi.
You had already cockblocked me. The cops were just an assist.
I wonder if she thought to herself "I'm gonna sleep with that guy tonight" when she watched me puke on the bar at 3 in the afternoon?
My roommate is trying to suck beer out of the rug.
I'm standing in line at the liquor store and they're making popcorn.
you flashed my boyfriend last night so i tackled you to the floor. you may be a bit sore.
Oh god. It's like a broken faucet. My guts sound like a bilge pump clogged with golf balls and cake frosting.
The cab driver gave me a church card yesterday and said I should reconnect with god.
Then he gave me 2 tickets to a movie he's going to be in
I feel like I just want to take a shot of jack, have sex, and shoot myself in the face. In that order exactly.
At least they took the pillow of my bed before they had sex. My friends are so polite.
It was a successful conference for my sales and my sex life. Those are probably related
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